


Two by Two

by Atalan



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crowley is a cinnamon roll, Ficlet, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Unicorns, a little bit sad, aziraphale paid attention in the briefings, things tumblr made me do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21513091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atalan/pseuds/Atalan
Summary: Crowley missed a rather important memo on the mechanics of species proliferation. Short, silly fluff.
Comments: 35
Kudos: 675





	Two by Two

**Author's Note:**

> [via Twitter:](https://twitter.com/ShepherdDoge/status/1191189989461151745?s=20)
> 
> @ShepherdDoge: please confirm this theory: Crowley has no idea why Noah needed 2 of every species...  
> @NeilHimself: Note his unicorn statement.

"You never see unicorns anymore," Crawly grumbles, watching another collection of dusty donkeys trudge into town.

"Well, obviously not," Aziraphale replies, rolling his eyes.

Crawly directs a frown at him.

"Obviously?" he repeats, eyebrows raised in a question.

"You were _there_ , Crawly, you know perfectly well why not."

Crawly blinks, which doesn't happen very often.

"You've lost me."

"The Ark?" Aziraphale tries, hoping to jog Crawly's memory. "You remember, one of Noah's ran off, they didn't have time to find another before the rain started..."

Crawly frowns.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Aziraphale peers at his face, looking for the trick, the joke, the setup. All he sees is honest confusion. It's his turn to blink.

"Crawly," he says, somewhere between disbelief and a rather unangelic delight, "you do _know_ why he had two of everything, don't you?"

Crawly shifts defensively in his seat.

"Assumed it was one of those daft instructions sent down from on high, you know, one Ark, two of each animal, three of each kind of fruit, whatever—"

Aziraphale starts to laugh. He can't help himself. Crawly scowls at him and hunches his shoulders.

"What? What's so funny, angel?"

 _Angel_. Crawly called him that in Eden, before Aziraphale thought to give him his name. He doesn't know why he's doing it now. Perhaps it's supposed to be an insult. It doesn't really have a lot of bite to it, if so.

"You've really never— all right, all right, don't look so cross, I'll tell you, I'm just— surprised, that's all." Aziraphale takes a sip of the fermented beverage the humans in this village have invented. It's got potential, he thinks. "It takes two of them to breed, Crawly. Male and female."

Crawly stares at him so blankly that Aziraphale has to bite his lip against more laughter.

"Please tell me you've at least noticed the physiological differences between the sexes—"

"Yes, yes, I know about _that_ ," Crawly interrupts. " _And_ what they get up to with those bits. You mean they're not just for leisure activities?"

"No, they're rather fundamental to the whole reproduction _thing_ , in fact. The, ah, recreational applications are just a side-effect."

"What, _really_?"

"Mm-hmm."

"But humans are _always_ —"

"Well, that's why there's so many of them these days."

Crawly looks absolutely dumbfounded by this revelation, and more than a little outraged.

"What about birds?" he demands. "They just lay eggs whenever they want to, don't they?"

"I believe mating is still required beforehand."

"What about _fish_?"

"I'm fairly certain that the same rule applies."

Crawly stares into his clay cup, lips moving slightly as he tries to come to terms with this whole concept. His expression tilts suddenly into something that unexpectedly yanks on Aziraphale's heartstrings.

"Oh," he says quietly. "So no more unicorns, then."

"No," Aziraphale replies, no longer laughing.

"I'd have got it back for them, if I'd known," Crawly says.

 _Yes_ , Aziraphale thinks, surprised by his own certainty, _you would have, wouldn't you?_

**Author's Note:**

> So look I wrote this as a little off-the-cuff idea and threw it up [on tumblr](https://brightwanderer.tumblr.com/post/188857028447/you-never-see-unicorns-anymore-crawly-grumbles) expecting it to get a few giggles and then vanish and it's now my most popular post ever so uh. Y'all really like a clueless Crowley and his unicorns, huh? Archiving here by request. :)
> 
> [P.S. Talhí/wheeloffortune fixed the sad.](https://wheeloffortune-design.tumblr.com/post/188881204745/for-other-people-its-as-if-unicorns-had-always)


End file.
